Lone Tear
by Sombereyes
Summary: Truth be told, all I wanted in that one moment, was for that lone tear to be the last I ever cried for Natsuki. (A Shizuru/Mai pairing fan fiction)


A/N: Another one of my self-indulgences, just a one shot. Was on a major Tracy Chapman kick with the music I was listening to. Mostly songs such as Fast Cars, Baby Can I Hold You, Tellin' Stories, For a Dream, and For My Lover.

When life gets hard, you write harder, holding those emotions to color the words into an image that beyond even your soul. That's one of my mottos. I've been in a gloriously bad mood lately, so needless to say, it's been reflective in my writing as of late. That's why I decided, screw it, I'm just going to write some bitter Shizuru/Mai fan fiction.

This is only a one shot.

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**Lone Tear**

Her lips were trembling as I kissed her. I'll be the first to admit it, I was shaking too. Angry for reasons that I couldn't even give a voice to. Hating myself was the best option. The taste of her tears were something that I wasn't sure about. This was a woman I truly didn't love.

She was beautiful, gentle, a wonderful cook…anything and everything a person could want…but, even so, it wasn't the woman I truly wanted. I knew that. She didn't really want me either, we were unified in that. Bound, by that one singular desire. To see the woman that we both loved to come back home, it wasn't going to happen.

That woman wasn't going to come back…and we both knew it…me, and the busty woman who could no longer take the waiting, the question that lingered between the three of us.

Who did Natsuki really love the most?

Was it regret that pushed me to kiss my rival? I couldn't say, but in that moment, I felt as if I might be able to repair some piece of myself. That was a selfish thing to hope for, and I knew that…I _knew_ but I didn't care. I just, I wanted that denial…I wanted to feel like I was the one who belonged in strong, protective arms…but, that wasn't something offered to me. It wasn't something I would ever be gifted, not in the way I truly wanted…

And…when it came to Natsuki…I wanted her…but then again, we both wanted her…Me…and Mai.

Natsuki was just that kind of woman…one you could never really attain. I thought I understood that, but feelings aren't so logical.

I never imagined I might be betrayed by my own emotions…my own blind trust, and deepest desire. I never thought to look for the signs, to sit, and take a breath. All wanted, was to be next to that icy woman…who deep down was actually very warm. I wanted more than anything, to feel her hand in mine. To sit behind her on that bike of hers. Riding through the streets, my head resting at her back, the wind whipping at us…and those were just the innocent thoughts and desires of mine. Ones of shared meals and simple laughter…

Beyond such dreams, I felt the need to touch her, to break her so expertly. Shatter every single wall, watch her melt to my touch. I dreamed so dearly about that sweet rapture. I wanted to make it so that she would think of no one else but me.

I craved that the most…and knew, I could never have it. I would be denied even that dream, it was a whisper upon my breath. I could have I screamed it, it wouldn't matter. Natsuki would never hear me.

So I asked myself, was I denying myself the warmth of a woman? Was I somehow weak for settling for second best because of regret? Was this merely sweet torture, and little more? A way to further destroy myself, setting my very soul aflame in order to prove my own independence?

I didn't know, but a soft thumb ran across my cheek as I opened my eyes and pulled away from the kiss. Mai looked back at me, a knowing glance that needed no words.

There was moisture glistening on the pad of her thumb…the self-same kind that rained from her eyes so freely, and I had to wonder, was I truly that fractured? Was that tear mine?

Had my love for Natsuki destroyed me so much, that even in the arms of another, I wept solely for the girl with perfect midnight hair and emerald green eyes that cut into me with their sharpness. Hard, and yet beautiful, such as the gem they so reminded me of. I tried to shake myself of those memories. I demanded control of myself, forcing my focus to look into the gentle violet that met me, searching me…also glistening, but not as brilliantly, as if something had darkened their hue.

Mai's violet would never shine as brightly as Natsuki's emerald.

Again, I glanced back at her thumb, then her lips, and finally, her hand reached back to my face, caressed it as she pulled away. I saw her rummaging around in a drawer by her nightstand before coming back with a white cloth, looking at me with a sadness I so easily understood. She was a woman defeated. Just like me.

_"__We can dream, can't we?"_

She asked me then, and I could hear the desperation in her voice. The need to find an escape from her own wish. One that Natsuki wouldn't grant us, as if the gods themselves laughed at our misfortune. I nodded, and I took the soft cloth made of simple cotton in hand.

It was so terribly wrong, but I didn't want to be right.

"Maybe, if we dream hard enough, we can make ourselves a new reality." Maybe I'd said it halfheartedly.

I wouldn't deny it, if someone demanded that one terrible truth out of me. Even so, I'd already painted my sins all over the very life I lived, and the people within it…so why shouldn't have Mai been any different? Why shouldn't we paint each other in the darkest passions and bitter desires turned sweet?

_"__Maybe so…" _I could tell, she wasn't exactly in her right mind either.

Just like that, she'd already given in, and put the cloth over the deep red of my eyes…it was futile to hope that the white cloth might sap away some of my misdeeds. That even in this way, I might be absolved of this sin as well. If nothing else, I knew Mai would be my partner in this crime.

I hitched a breath when felt soft lips touch the base of my neck. I bit my lower lip, feeling my heart clench once more. As I drowned in the best fabrication I'd ever allow myself to have, and I felt something hot fall from my cheek.

_"__Either way, it'll be okay, I think…"_

Mai's voice was soft, and for a moment, just a single one, I almost believed her. I wanted to, as if, some small trickle of faith lingered in her heated murmur. Truth be told, all I wanted in that one moment, was for that lone tear to be the last I ever cried for Natsuki.

"We will be." I didn't know if it was true or not...

_"We have to be." _Not even as she kissed me, and let me sink into my desperate fantasy.

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Well there you have it folks, just a little one shot...


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